The Inner Critic and Self Talk

One of the toughest aspects of having an unwell mind is that we need to take interest in how our mind works.

You ask, what is the mind? A simplification of Freud’s psychoanalytic theory would be that our minds are not merely a flow of immediate experience, but a huge repository of “hidden depths”: beliefs, attitudes, motives, suspicions, hopes, fears, and much more. We can only hope to try and understand our minds by introspecting the contents of our minds.

We have to become nothing less than mind mechanics because something is hurting inside.
A particularly destructive problem that burdens many of us is that we are almost always self-critical and self-hating. We find ourselves awake in the middle of the night (even in as helpless a situation as a pandemic) pondering about how maybe we don’t deserve to exist. We are never good enough. Ever.

Psychology points us to a part of the mind termed our conscience. Conscience is defined by its inward-looking and subjective character, in the following sense: conscience is knowledge of ourselves, awareness of moral principles we have committed to, assessment of ourselves, or the motivation to act that comes from within us. Basically, it is our conscience that tells us when we’ve probably done enough dating, eating, gaming, or sleeping.

Although this function sounds useful, rather than gently nudging us towards morality, our
conscience often screams at us, attacks us, and puts us down for perceived failings. We are
unreasonably afflicted with a sense of incapability, lack of use and failure. We feel that we have no business relaxing or enjoying ourselves – and that the worst is coming to us because of our sinful nature.

Our inner critic needs taming. Here are some steps, no matter how tiny and impossible they sound, that may bring us infinitely closer to being gentle with ourselves and generously on our own side.

Let’s realize, properly realize, that all this conflict is happening within us. Our inner critic is just a small part of us that can be seen as a character separate from ourselves: I have a punishing inner critic and it’s very unfair to me. It is speaking to me, within me, but it isn’t all I am .

The next time we lay awake at night, our self-critic accusing us with the constant “I’m not good enough”, “I’m not satisfied with my work today”, “I could’ve done so much better”, “I was only appreciated because the other person was polite enough to see some good in me”,
let’s pause for a while, identify these thoughts, shove them into the ‘baseless trash’ box and replace them with: “I’m in a safe space, all by myself. In this moment, there are no expectations, no dreams, no purpose, no noise. I am free in this moment, I can rest, I can put this day to sleep.”

If we want to learn to love ourselves and be at peace with our inner critic, let’s try comparing how we treat ourselves to how we would treat a loved one. Expressing this with the help of poetry,

I treat myself like I would my daughter. I brush her hair, wash her laundry, tuck her in goodnight. Most importantly, I feed her. I do not punish her. I do not berate her, leave tears staining her face. I do not leave her alone. I know she deserves more; I know I deserve more.

– I know I deserve more by Michelle K.

To retrain ourselves we may need other people. People who can love us and fill our minds with other kinder perspectives. Sometimes, the brave thing to do is revealing to a loved one that ‘you are here to help me with my inner critic, and to give me new perspectives on my self-punishment and despair.’ When they tell you your worth and show you affection, accept it. After all, your inner critic is simply a part of you that needs more self-love.

– Rotaractor Devina Kant